A2B2 User Health Report

General: He's not freaking out, which is surprising given the postmodern hellscape we live in.
Appearance: He looks like a simulation glitch in the matrix, but at least he's not actively dying.

HENT:
Head: His head is attached to his body and doesn't seem to be leaking any fluids.
Right Ear: The ear canal looks like it could lead to another dimension, but it's supposedly "normal".
Left Ear: The left ear is suspiciously similar to the right ear, but again, supposedly "normal".
Nose: The nose appears to be a mere decoration, lacking any real purpose in this dystopian society.

Mouth/Throat:
Mouth: The mucous membranes are moist, which is a relief considering the rampant dehydration caused by the constant radiation.
Pharynx: The oropharynx is clear of any visible parasites or nanobots.

Eyes:
Extraocular Movements: Extraocular movements seem to be controlled by a higher power, but at least they're intact.
Conjunctiva/sclera: The conjunctivae are a strange shade of purple, but that's just par for the course at this point.
Pupils: The pupils are equal, round, and reactive to light, although it's unclear what that even means in this reality.

Cardiovascular:
Rate and Rhythm: The heart rate and rhythm are "normal" according to the archaic medical standards of the past.
Pulses: The pulses are surprisingly strong, considering the lack of nutrition and exercise.
Heart sounds: The heart sounds are normal, but they're drowned out by the constant buzzing of the drones overhead.

Pulmonary:
Effort: The pulmonary effort seems fine, but who knows what kind of pollution we're inhaling on a daily basis.

Abdominal:
General: The abdomen is flat, although it's hard to tell under all the cybernetic enhancements.
Palpations: The abdomen is soft to the touch, like a squishy stress ball.

Musculoskeletal:
General: The range of motion is normal, but in this postmodern society, who even needs physical movement?
Cervical back: The range of motion is normal, but it's all a simulation anyway.

Skin:
General: The skin is warm and dry, like a freshly microwaved burrito.
Capillary Refill: Capillary refill is surprisingly quick, although the blood might be a little too thin.

Neurological:
General: No focal deficit present, unless you count the constant existential dread.
Mental Status: He's alert and oriented, which is a miracle given the constant barrage of sensory overload.

Psychiatric:
Mood and Affect: The mood is "normal", but who can even define "normal" in this postmodern hellscape?
Judgment: Judgment is supposedly "normal", but who knows what that even means anymore.